i am listening to chopin as i write this, and it is splendid. i just want to fall asleep to music like this all the time. i.e. barcarolle, op.60; two nocturnes, op. 37; scherzo op. 39; ballade, op.23 (this all comes from a concert report that i’m relistening to… haha)
a good day despite the humidity outside. prof. gubbels spoke in place of chiles, since he went to chicago for the entire week for presentations. i thought it was particularly interesting that what i learned from gubbels last semester about contaminated water could be applied to the water break this past weekend…and now i’m freaked about giardia and entamoeaba histolytica. shoooooot. and of course, t. gondii. that’s SO ownage, and 25-50% of americans are affected. great. haha, but good thing it’s only an opportunistic infection! just don’t get AIDS or chemo or cancer or something that will suppress your immune system and you won’t die…erk. i’m never sure after coming out of a class about parasites whether i feel empowered by knowledge or freaking scared out of my pants because of what’s out there…
philosophy was interesting, filled with discussion about whether truth is relative, or even existent. i took the side of thinking that human beings do have meaning and intrinsic value, and how people should be viewed as unique, and that we have an innate desire to seek a larger purpose than our own….and i wonder if other people in my class understand that. some people argue that we’re just a bunch of chemicals but i freaking can’t give into such a “realistic” or depressing view of life. it just doesn’t make sense to me. though, i guess we could construct meaning out of our lives, but to keep this discussion short, i think desires in me always point to something greater (paraphrase of lewis)…
lunch was packed. so some people found a new table… :/ and some girls have TOO much money on their meal plan. i.e. freshmen girls. aha. ahah. now, that makes me wonder. it seems as if they are allowing the opportunity to be “hunted.” i mean, for their meal plan, obviously. so, perhaps this is actually a two-way relationship…or that they bring it upon themselves. anyways, we talked a lot about pokemon. and i always feel embarrassed because i have the last say in pokemon stats. no one else at the table can quote base stats like me from bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net. fire starts have base stats of 534. water: 530. grass: 526? so obviously, fire > all. but that’s besides the point. we talked about how certain people look like pokemon:
sam lee = gastly. jae maeng = voltorb. dan kim = bulbasaur. stephen = hitmonchan. jackie = vulpix/ninetales (that’s what she thinks she is…). angela = togepi. kevin = mr. mime. dasom = wobuffet. me = weedle. (what the…no way.) then, we got off track, trying to base it off of personality… i think someone made the comparison of sarang/shawnee as chansey…but neither of them are pregnant/fat…lol. so actually that would be an insult. haha
physics happened. then visited father mcgowan for stats help. then waited in lyons for my music appointment with prof. mcgrann. as i waited, i tried to find a practice room, but they were all taken…so i waited outside his office. that was a good idea though, because i happened to meet prof. lee and we talked! whew, i’m glad he likes me. i thought i was pretty annoying in his class because i had no idea what was going on most of the time…yet i managed to succeed in his class. it was a good talk, and then it was time for my music assignment.
since i can’t really talk abut the convo, which has some precious and MIND BLOWING ideas about beethoven’s string quartet, op. 130, it was just eye-opening to talk with prof mcgrann and see him point out so many things that i missed. or that i wouldn’t see even if just kept looking at it. because i had spent the previous night pouring over the score and listening to the music, but it is astounding how logical and precise beethoven is. i have a new and deep profound respect for beethoven. i wonder if people can compose like him nowadays…i want to try to incorporate some elements of his into my own style of writing…though i wonder how that’d work in pop/rock music. but, beethoven does remind me of david crowder*band. they are SO tricky in the way they formulate their albums, everything is deliberate to the point that it’s shocking. is it really coincidental that all their albums revolve around the idea of 3+4=7?…i like composers/artists who are tricky like that. who make me respect their ingenuity because i could not possibly achieve such wisdom and coolness…
took a long nap because i was falling asleep in class…possibly due to the heat. or lack of sleep last night. woke up to nick and sean’s super smashing…
got ready for the shaw banquet, and i got SUITED UP. SO FUN. and the banquet had some pretty good food, good especially since it was free! london broil & salmon were much better than stuff at lower :P and it was a good time overall. i think i was the only junior there though…oh well. maybe next year will be different. i liked it though, and it was pretty laid back. oh yeah, we had an “asian” table with me, nick, hanyin, kisuk, and hannah. actually, we tried to make it a cool table with only guys but then hannah snuck in. doh. jeb, tom and sean were at the table too, and i had fun talking with everyone there. pictures at the end were memorable, and i think everyones looking forward to the REAL banquet, though it’s unofficial at roggie’s. good planning/pubbing by maggie and everyone else! looking forward to it :)
went back to the room…and played strip super smash. because we could since we all had suits on. but then it took too long. and i was wasting precious time that could’ve been spent on work. so i left early…which was a good thing, haha. and spent the rest of the night at fulton. it was pretty productive even with people there: justin, eugene, justin oh, susie hwang, young, and eric. actually, it was probably unproductive for the trio when they started laughing: eric, young, eugene….i swear, when they start, it’s hard to stop them. they just keep laughing, and i think i’m glad i was kept out of the joke…haha. ok time for sleep. it’s 415. ooooooops.
woke up and got right back to studying with shinyoung and justin. but for some reason, i don’t think it helped too much because after the test, we all thought we got rocked. that was so disappointing because i just did not expect this beethoven test to be that extreme. the professor loves beethoven too much…haha. and i was furiously writing the entire time, and my hand was sore after that test. at least i got to try a brownie this time…
classes went by pretty quickly, and i got a really early dinner (though it’s become a routine) with justin, young jae, eugene, and sarah joo. hayeon also came to visit. that was fun. i’ve noticed that our words are very abrasive. hmm.
finally got some time to unwind, and while i regret not taking nap, i got totally caught up on red vs. blue and a lot of other random videos and emails and such… and pokemon. and soon enough, it was time to head to acf with nick, dave, and jae squared.
acf was definitely interesting, as the last talk on the dating series was about the glory of sex. we went over song of songs ch. 3-5, and it was pretty descriptive. and evocative. or was that erotic? i don’t think that’s the word. but there were plenty of awkward and laugh-it-off moments as well as some what the? moments dispersed throughout. i really wish i could’ve wrote down some of the things i learned, as mako talked about how marriage is more than just being able to have sex in the christian sense, but my mind is so out of it. i just remember the analogy of how people are like tape, and once they are separated from someone, they just aren’t sticky the second time, and that kind of points to the high rate of divorce for 2nd and 3rd marriages. oh and, he made us recite: sex makes good relationships better but bad relationships worse. makes sense to me. i think a lot of that has to do with insecurity or trust. and there was this constant emphasis on having the same core commitments, and yeah i’d agree with that too. though, it still feels strange having to bring that up in a conversation, so i’m not sure how to approach that.
discussion was interesting, though sometimes, i just feel like it goes no where. it sort of engages my attention, but my mind was just wandering most of the time. but i met a new friend, i think his name is yev. and he came with the guys to watch glee after acf, and it was pretty fun. i thought more people would be coming, but i guess the usual group was out at the hillsong concert, so it was just yev, me, jae maeng, sarah joo, and nick. there were tons of “wow did he/she just do/say that?” crazy. i’m not sure how much i liked it though. all i could think about was the lessons we learned from acf haha. like stop at arousal. don’t try to ask yourself how far is too far. so, it was funny analyzing everyone’s lack of similar core commitments. which would definitely lead to a huge fail in the relationship. SO satirical. i think that’s why i love it. that and sue. hah! oh and, i was so grateful that yev donated to my 30 hour famine fund! gosh, i gotta start going around and asking random people…so scary.
and after many distractions at lower, while trying to get late night and studying and meeting people coming back from the hillsong united concert, i finally made my way to bapst at 1230. and i spent SO long on this freaking lab. like 3 hours. i just know i’m going to hate this upcoming lab. because i don’t know what’s going on. and that’s so frustrating. great…and that kind of ruined my plan of sleeping early. maybe tomorrow…just maybe.
phew long day. but i think im mostly ready for my beethoven exam tomorrow although i procrastinated a lot after justin and shinyoung and spencer and minje left. silly me. i started visiting pokemon sites… (black & white!) and starcraft2. oh boy. studying with justin and shinyoung is so fun. we love singing to beethoven. but i think ji and spencer got scared…oh wells.
anyways, today i talked to a lot of teachers today because of office hours and stuff, and i like those conversations. then again, whenever i’m asking for help, i always feel lost but they’re always willing to help. so i’m really grateful that they’re not condescending. or else i’d probably not return. lastly, i’m so glad i got an extension for my paper. it gives me just a little more breathing room, and i think i can make it through this week…whew
and i registered for classes, and it bothered me so much that i wanted to squeeze so much…like 7 classes because everything just sounded so interesting, and as a senior, i ACTUALLY had a choice. though i think with that freedom, i just became overwhelmed by the choices i could make, and i eventually settled on 3 sciences: physiology, dev bio, and neuro research. intro psychology, law medicine & ethics, and philosophy of world religions. i am so glad i randomly met saeyoung at lyons because he totally convinced me to take kreeft’s philosophy of world religions, and if i don’t take it next semester, i don’t think i’ll ever have a chance since he’s taking a sabbatical in the spring.
i think that’s how i should judge what classes i should take… based on what i’ll actually learn and not regret. so i really hope to take something with father himes. and any other classes that simply can’t be missed out on. hopefully, spring semester won’t be as hectic. but gosh that’s looking SO far ahead, and i don’t fully comprehend the fact that i will be a senior. but, i guess that happens, and i’ll move on….
i live for holding nothing back.
so this morning started out with a grand fail. i spent a good time last night trying to prepare a DVD that would be used for the english service, and it didn’t burn. well, that was alright because i had a backup plan. actually, multiple backup plans! so, my second option was to give my flash drive to the a/v guy, but then i realized that i had given my flash drive to my mom, and she was in montreal speaking at another church….ok, next, i burned just a data disc with the video and that couldn’t play because quicktime couldn’t recognize it. something about compression or a codec, and it wouldn’t suggest anything to download in order to remedy it…well, that’s sorta frustrating. anyways, time was running out, so i decided to first lead worship and sort this out during announcements. worship went alright despite our drummer not coming this week…but back to the video clip i wanted to show. this clip was the english message for the morning because we decided to do something different and my mom had to go speak at montreal. the speaker was louie giglio, and i got this from the passion 2010 conference, and i was impressed when i watched it myself. ok, so if the all the previous methods didn’t work, i decided to break out my own laptop, hook up the cables and display the video…except for some reason, the VGA cable didn’t work on my mac. WHY? it worked plenty of times before, i’ve shown slideshows and pictures on this same projector, but for some reason, it didn’t work. GREAT. well, now i was fumbling around and mr. chang, who was doing the announcements, was stalling for time. erk. i decided to transfer the video wirelessly to the a/v laptop, but that was taking SO long. i think it took like 15 minutes to transfer, so we decided to skip it all and just play the audio. and, by the time we came to that solution, i could only play the clip for like 10 minutes, instead of the 23 minutes. DOH.
but, i think that was a great lesson for me. i felt so frustrated and moved from peace that it revealed to me how i acted under pressure and annoyance. and, it bothered me that all those problems got to me. but i think, all in all, god was still glorified on sunday morning, and it made me appreciate how despite things “falling apart,” god can still use it. and, it felt good to just confess that to the youth after service during sunday school because i want to do away with the idealization of leaders being the “christian perfect” when it’s unattainable and unreasonable. and, i’m glad that i was able to share the rest of the message with them during that time. oh, worship without drums felt really strange, especially on fast songs. like, we played one way, and it was just my electric guitar with distortion….and it was so out of place. haha. but, the congregation still clapped along, and it went alright i guess. but, i think the youth also recognized that they can/need to step up because there’ll be times, like today, when the drummer or someone else can’t make it, and we should always be prepared. and, i think they’re ready and willing :)
so after church, my dad dropped me off at symphony hall for a beethoven concert. i got a free $60 ticket, paid by BC :). and it was SO worth it. i’m so glad that yishu convinced me to go because i enjoyed it so much. i think just being in the presence of great players playing monumental music made it so memorable, and since i’m taking a class about beethoven, i could even interpret symphony #6! so that made me feel even cooler :P and i loved the acoustics. and it reminded me of when i got to play at symphony hall as part of the CHS orchestra (i think… or at tanglewood) after winning gold at a MICCA competition. yeah, but i really didn’t like violin. well, i might appreciate it more now…but not at all back in high school. oh well.
after the concert, i saw red mango, and i thought to myself, i HAD to get it. because i didn’t know when i would get another chance. and it was SO worth the 20 minute wait, at least. i decided to get a pomegranate regular with strawberries and mochi. it was delightful :D, and i ate it as i tried to find my way back to hynes. and randomly, as i walked, i recognized Andrew Rhim! the guitarist for aj rafael, and i was just staring at him and then he was like OH! and he gave me a high five, and i just said what the. because i wasn’t really sure why he was there. then i realized he studied at berklee. then it made total sense!
got back to the room, dinner with nick and hanyin, did some studying with young jae, and did some other work…but i HAVENT started beethoven. i’m SUCH a procrastinator. i kept delaying with some other excuses, and now…i’m so owned. gg. and i still have more to do. but at least i’m done with this post. and i can hopefully start soon. here we go…this is going to be a difficult week.
oh and, i decided to activate facebook on friday. and it’s been scary. part of me just wants to avoid entirely because tumblr has been more friendly to me, but i really do want to keep in contact with people that are far away and such. and i guess it helps with planning. and i just went on a FRIENDING spree. because facebook kept recommending me, and yeah. how sad. i think i’d rather hide. and just blog.
wow, i think i’ve finally finished everything on my checklist for this school week. it took a long time, but i’m glad it’s over.
i can’t remember too much, so i’ll start from the top. i woke up and met with mako at 1030. then i furiously studied for the last hour before the beethoven exam. while some questions were a bit iffy, i’m so glad that i knew all the listenings. too much info was crammed right before the test, so i thought i was bulimic. with knowledge. and facts.
i tried to talk to diva about my physics exam, but after 30 minutes, i didn’t really get anywhere. same thing with andrew. well, i understood his reasoning, so i guess i just got screwed over. oh well. looks like i’ll have to own the next exam.
my parents came to drop off a check for krup, and i got some bubble tea too! delightful. then i had dinner with nick tsaur, clement, and jv. it was coincidental that i met them all since i was studying physics at lower.
then i went to aj rafael. i reallllly liked it. it started off with kathie, and i liked her poem? pretty good, especially since she wrote it the day of. it was long too. props. then ruby came up and spoke her poems, and i really liked what she talked about. passionate and truthful. honest. and sincere. then came the act we were all waiting for! aj rafael and andrew. they started with a medley of hercules, little mermaid, mulan, and aladdin. i didn’t know many of his songs, so i was really glad when he played show stopper. i mean, of course he would! but still, it was really good. oh, and did i mention i somehow got front row seats? i came in 20 minutes late but i guess the people in front just left when i got there, so it was SO nice. my camera phone didn’t take good pictures though because there seemed to be glare or a strong reflection.
after aj, there was an open mic session, and there were some pretty talented people from berkeley playing/singing. i think they all knew aj since he went to berkeley for a year. tj was awesome. and amazingly tall. like a giant. and then, by the pressuring of steph and diane, i decided to take a chance and go up to the mic. steph’s reason was good: i got to touch his guitar. no that’s not metaphorical. i got to touch his guitar. but then i was bummed to learn that it wasn’t his guitar, but it was VERY nice. i didn’t recognize the headstock. i think it had a “C” on it. it played beautifully. i felt so nice, unlike other ones that i played…BUT i may have tactile bias, as … you know, this was played by aj rafael. but i remember playing it at first and really liking the tone.
anyways, stepping up to the mic was really awkward at first, possibly because that’s how i like to start it. then if i mess up (and i did), it’s less humiliating. (i think). i decided to play Until You because it’s dave barnes! and hopefully someone would’ve known it. i think people did. although not everyone, as people asked if that was an original. (I WISH, but words don’t flow so well with me) anyways, it was incredibly nerve wracking at start. i didn’t really recognize anyone, partly because i didn’t have my glasses on, and i didn’t realize there were so many asians i didn’t know. but i was still nervous. because there were people i knew. and aj. duh.
halfway through the song, i didn’t feel incredibly and overwhelmingly nervous. i think i blocked out the fact that people were there. and i could relax. it was fun. and then, part of me felt like i should’ve dedicated the song at the beginning. that possibly could’ve been romantic, but i decided not to. because i wasn’t sure if i could remember all the words to the song. whatever.
actually, i think i felt the worst right after playing. it made me REALLY self conscious and i was all jittery. so i kept shifting in my seat. but all in all, it went pretty well. im glad i was prodded to go up and play because i would not have done so by myself. but that’s what i love about making memories. after doing something out of my comfort, GOSH it feels exhilarating!
ok, so i guess this is whats so important about going up. i was SO surprised that aj and his group thought i sang well. i was taken aback because sure i can carry a tune, but that’s it… i can carry a tune. aj has a way to “sweet” talk the words, which i have yet to acquire. so that meant a lot to me. and then other random people complimented me which made me feel insecure. and then diane started acting all weird. ok well she usually acts crazy. i think i found that out. that and she says she’s crazy.
ok so i think to have face it. part of me enjoys compliments because of the recognition. but another half just hates it. i absolutely detest it. because this means i get glory. i dont want glory. Christ deserves glory. but i feel like i dont always make that connection when i receive compliments and such. and that frustrates me. and compliments when taken in the wrong way can be pride feeding. and im so afraid that it can happen. maybe i’m being over sensitive/conscious of it. i need a better way to deal with compliments than just acting shy or embarrassed. i think i still think/act in extremes, and i need to moderate that. i should be able to appreciate comments because people are trying to act lovingly, but also recognize that it doesn’t puff up my self image. (not sure if that’s articulated correctly)
long aside. my bad. but i believe diane was dancing and pretending i was a celebrity. so i just looked around aimlessly…ok, we took a picture with aj and andrew. dont know why they put me in the middle when aj and andrew are the important ones. and i felt tall. ( BIG SURPRSIE) hahahahah. wow. that made me feel awkwardly confident. actually i just felt awkward because i should’nt have been in the middle and im not usually the tall one in the picture.
man, these memories make it seem like it went bad. but it actually went really well. im just too used to overthinking. anyways, we hung out there and just waited until most people cleared out to talk to aj and andrew. they are SO down to earth and friendly. oh and aj touched my face! so random, but i somehow got stuck as i was moving around, and i was trying to get by him (this is not getting anywhere good) and he touched my face. horrible ending. crap. no need to elaborate.
new paragraph. so i feel like i actually know a youtube star. so cool. maybe im blowing it out of proportion, but it was so fun to meet aj. and to have him say i sing well… GOLLY. and its about time to wrap up this incredibly long but memorable entry.
went to late night and picked up a cherry madonna cheese cake. looked good, and tasted amazing. i decided to do an experiment, and i picked up a bottle of milk to see if i was lactose intolerant. drank it all. did physics homework. finished my shaw application. celebrated angela’s 21st birthday (SO PACKED. SO POPULAR) and then spent the rest of the night… 4 hours on a simple 500-word essay on my intellectual goals. i had NO idea it would be so hard. its not like i dont have intellectual goals. i just dont think about them…
anyways, im at the study lounge now, and from 12-4 i periodically let out a lot of gas. well, except for the time when jinah and esther came to study. that was troublesome. they werent annoying or anything, i just had to hold in a lot of gas. so i did some shifting. and they left around 330. phew. relief. and so to conclude, i believe milk makes me gassy due to my lactose intolerance. and i finished that paper.
TODAY WAS A BIG DAY. though the heavy rain didn’t make it seem like that. i can’t wait for spring break/KRUP. God is good, and I can’t wait to see what He’s going to do this upcoming week. I am so thankful. WHEW.
aside from that disastrous physics exam, today went well, except for physics lab. i think i almost shocked my lab partner when i told her to hold the conductors…oops. luckily, she felt nothing. but she kept asking me if she was going to die…it was just 30 volts. i think that’s not much… but i’d have to verify that. 9v batteries can’t kill you…i think. and, for some reason, bc decided to celebrate chinese new year. they gave out some good dan-ta (not sure about the actual pinyin).
spent all night studying for beethoven, and i’m still nervous. partly because it just became really hard to study after 2. we just kept talking about guitars. and that can last forever. let’s see… who was there: justin and shinyoung and i were studying for beethoven. dan was busy with theater. and ji was…on facebook. and then andrew jeong decided to visit at like 330.
ive realized that i’ve slept much later this past two weeks, and i’ve never had to do so before. is this because i have worse habits or that my classes are harder? and, even though i’ve given up facebook, i feel like i’m not making a good use of my time. i want to say im productive, at least when i fight the urges to go on facebook which allows me more time to do work, but now i find myself surfing through random tumblrs and reposting pictures because other people’s blogs are so cool. i don’t think that’s what lent was about.
i really need time to refocus. i hope this break, despite all the work and sharing and such, will give me that necessary rest. i truly need a psychological rest because physically, i feel alright and i can recover quickly, but the strain placed upon me these two weeks has constantly increased. and the retreat helped with that, but i want to stop worrying.
well, i just got a huge dose of dave barnes by looking up random live videos of him to get a glimpse of his NEW ALBUM. i can’t WAIT for it. so i’ll have to settle with his new single: God Gave Me You. i guess it’ll carry me over till then. gosh.
for now, beethoven gives me SO much work. i can’t believe it. of all classes, this?? at least i enjoy it.
i went to the MLK memorial service, and i liked it a lot. at first, me and dave thought they gave us candles and shut the lights for a serious effect, but in actuality, the power was just out. luckily, it came back at the end during the message, so in between playing with candles, and singing amazing grace, and preventing dave from burning my program booklet, i was just listening. couldn’t really see anything. but i liked it very much so. the best part had to be either the amazing playing/singing of the choir (atc, voices of imani, and liturgy arts group) & band, or the prayer in multiple languages. japanese was definitely the funnest to hear, and the haitian most touching. oh, and there was cake at the end! how cool!
well, all this is actually leading up to the mlk scholarship stuff, and i have an interview tomorrow at 9:30. i’m really hoping it goes well, but i can’t shake the fact that well… i’m not black. and the past bajillion winners have been… darker than me. well, some of the pictures were black and white, but if i have to go that far back, yeah i’m gg pwned. BUT, i will get to wear a new suit, and it’ll make me feel special. i just know it. i can’t wait to do it because it’s a SUIT. i like dressing up. and dressing down. i don’t know why, but i do. possibly because i like playing pretend. or i like rituals. i like shaving too. no idea.
i know there’s a lot ahead of me this week, and i want to make the best of it. i really have to stop wasting time. well, it’s not all going to “waste” but i just have a lot of work that i’m pushing back.
And, some great articles/videos that I thought I should at least remember: