day 316

awoke to my alarm, but my body wouldn’t let me get up… so i slept through my first class. i guess i really did need it. but then i woke up startled because i realized that i had something due at noon and it totally slipped my mind! thankfully, i got that all done, though it did take away from studying… i headed to the library to see hee young as she was really stressed about the test. i’m not that great at helping people when it comes to studying… and i tend not to study when it’s close to the test because i feel like either i know it or i don’t and stressing out would just make me forget more… then again, it was some good review in going over the stuff with her because sadly, i realized i didn’t retain all that much the night before :P

got lunch at the rat and met up with justin. i guess shawnee, josh, sarang and other girls at the table (i don’t think i knew who they were…) just found out about the relationship. haha, poor shawnee. well, at least she’s someone who doesn’t jump to conclusions… hmmm… then justin & i took our test! it was surprisingly long. i’m not sure how well i did but i had to use the entire time given… which was not ideal for me, because i would’ve liked to check over what i wrote. :/ but it’s done!

after the test, i quickly packed, then headed over to 90 to tell nick the good news because he had only heard it through the grapevine :P it was kinda awkward though because i usually look through his window to see if he’s in his room… but as soon as i did that, i realized someone was looking at me doing that… good thing nick did show up in the window to demonstrate that i wasn’t just creeping around, but it was still awkward because the person who saw me also swiped me into 90. faaaaail. :P haha, it was a good talk, though i wished i stayed longer… i’m not sure if everyone would want to follow my “plan” of action, though it wasn’t really a plan to wait so long for it to happen. haha, but now it’s got the guys thinking about dating… oh boy. as much as i’m glad i’ve “inspired” them, seriously…??? oh boy.

headed to reservoir, saw jeannette on the bus, and met up with dan to catch the T. we also saw jack there, and we chatted too! he was going to longwood for research while dan was heading to his volunteer. dan & i talked a lot about dating…what else? :P then we parted ways at north station. i got a coffee coolatta and donuts, and waited for stacey to arrive because she was coming to the rofl welcome night! well, she kinda has to because the speaker is her pastor… and she’s been coming for the past few weeks, so it’d be awkward if she didn’t. lol

wow, even with coffee i still passed out on the T. and it was a bit disorienting waking up. but at home, we had some great chinese food: lao sichuan! then we got ready for the welcome night!!

overall, it was a HUGE success! aside from one hitch, i am SO proud of the youth because they really put in the effort to invite their friends and make everything work. i just talked and made fun of myself during announcements :P, but i think the youth did an AMAZING job in making sure their friends were comfortable. =) they helped facilitate discussions as well, and i really think that pastor jack lee was very relevant to a group of youth from 7th to 12th. i think we had about 50-60 youth there! SO awesome, because there were a lot of new people that i didn’t see before, and many of them were from new places, i.e. andover & westford. oh, and regina brought some exchange students too! like from morocco and japan. i can’t believe it! i’m really glad that we kept to the schedule (though that’s more of a self-accomplishment because i tend to get carried away in these situations…), and that some youth stayed after to talk with pastor jack too! i also got to meet pastor jack’s team: sarah wang (the youth pastor for harvest impact) and aaron chambers! aaron shared his testimony of how God spoke to him, despite past problems, and while i don’t think anyone in the room could identify with the drug problems he’s had (thankfully!), i think he got the idea across. and of course, we ended with a circle hug, and that ended the welcome night on a high note! with snacks too =) 

i think i’m just really glad that this year, instead of just having a lot of fun games, we tried to make it more similar to what we do on friday nights: games, worship, prayer, & bible study/discussion. and people were still receptive! and, so it made it feel less… deceptive. haha. because last year seemed as if people should come just to play games! and, that’s not what we wanted to say at all. i think our mindset this time was much better, because we constantly prayed for the event as it came up, so again, i am SO proud of them! tomorrow is gonna be a conference setting, and while i don’t think many of them will be back tomorrow (everyone’s so busy…), it’s more for training the youth to become leaders, which makes me EXCITED.

now about that slight hitch… it was a slight error in planning rides for people. basically, i should’ve listened better to my sister because i only heard her and totally forgot what she said… and it made me feel so dumb. and i probably could’ve thought this situation out better if i had just sat down to think instead of constantly walking around and making everything was in order. a learning experience indeed. i still pride myself in thinking that i know what to do in such situations, but obviously, in hindsight, advice is always appreciated and humility is a requirement. but, at least everyone got back safely, though a bit later than planned, and still a success! even more so, the parents were so helpful in accommodating our needs =) SO happy!

getting home, i got to talk with pastor jack and his team. and it was pretty cool and scary to see how they were being called to plant a church in hollywood! but it was late, so we all headed off to bed. but, before my parents went to sleep, i thought i should let them know that i had a girlfriend now!

and…it was slightly different from the response i got so far from my friends at BC. but, now that i think of it, possibly more helpful. i think they’re always cautious in making sure that i don’t just go through these things without thinking. and, part of me just wants to defend myself: “but i’ve waited for a year, i think i can handle it…” but, perhaps not. in the sense that, this is entirely new, and i don’t want to rush it. i don’t think i necessarily will, but i realize that i can’t be objective as hard as i try, like feelings aside, because i’m in the situation while my parents aren’t. but, my parents approve as long as i exercise wisdom and seek God first, which is sound advice =). i think that actually helped set my mind better because as much as i’m happy with all the congratulations, i really do wonder, what’s the next step? and my mom says it all begins with prayer. even though we’re dating, it’s still a process of discovering who we are individually and as a couple, and i guess that just reminds me of this:

Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires (Song of Solomon 2:7)

so i do have the blessing of my parents, though it’s not in the form of the ecstatic happiness like my friends :P, and they told me even my grandma was wondering whether i had a girlfriend… haha. and so my family knows! and it’s been a great day =)

day 274

blah. i think i had too much caffeine in my body when i tried to sleep… so there was some tossing and turning :/ but at least i woke up on time, and got ready for the exam. it was kind of a bummer though coming out of the exam, because i always feel like math should be easily aced because like, you manipulate a number here or there and you get the answer! or something like that… but i think i overcomplicated things on the exam. owned….

whatever. its times like these when i realize even when given many talents and such, i can still forget to be thankful and feel inadequate instead. it’s fairly frustrating because many times those voices are lies. and it’s a battle to confront them and reveal them as they truly are. man, why does a math test cause all these problems??

oh and today was such a rainy day. i didn’t feel depressed or anything… but it definitely felt slooooow. haha, even one of my teachers ended class 20 minutes early…

went back home, and it was very relaxing on the ride back. i managed to finish this book that i started just a couple weeks ago, and i guess it’s very revealing… or something.

what women wish you knew about dating

well, i bought this at the recommendation of don miller, and i liked it! there were definitely some things i thought, shoot! i gotta get my life in order… and other parts, i thought, so that’s how you approach it… haha. i’ve read a couple christian books on dating, sex, and such and i think this is one of the better ones. i mean, it’s hard to give advice to the youth group about such topics if i’ve never dated…yeah. so its very practical and helpful. and i think just in general, i do want to be a man. not a guy. (which is defined in the book)

we had guests over this week, and since they’re from taiwan, we had a lobster dinner! ah yes, they were doing some recording for Good TV… a christian show that’s broadcasted on the west coast and primarily in taiwan. i think this is the first time they did a feature on boston, so we got to host them! :D

youth group went fine. i showed the skit guys clip from youtube, and each time i watch it, my heart gets convicted. it’s crazy…. just how much i can identify with it. and i hope they got just as much out of it…

back at BC, i spent my time with the 90 boys. saw kisuk! and just hung out there until i realized that i had to go sleep because of praise practice tomorrow… whew, i really need to get work done tomorrow!

day 211

wow. i am not playing picross before i go to bed… i think that made my mind extra tired haha. i spent a good portion of my day helping my mom. basically, i went to the airport to pick up a pastor who would be speaking tonight, and then we went to go eat lunch, and then i sent them to her hotel room and then i brought them to the hair salon… so i was a chauffeur for the day… oh well. went to the paper store and walmart to do some shopping for cards, like the ones for going away and graduation and thankyous. i met eric hsu’s dad there but he totally forgot who i was… haha. oh well…

went to church to practice for the songs, and this time, there was no disaster like last sunday :P. we basically spent the night playing buzzword and thinking of what to do for the next month for ROFL. i’m still debating whether to talk about sex/dating/marriage because it’s fun making everyone feel awkward! actually, it’s saddening that such topics are rarely brought up in church and you’re left to figure stuff out on your own… at least that’s been the case for me. plus, i think a lot of people would be interested, especially non-church goers? and it would definitely help break the stereotype that church thinks sex=bad. or maybe it’s more like asian parents think sex=bad. ahahaha. ok, but i think i’m also afraid that people won’t really be mature about the whole thing (myself included :P) or… more realistically, i’m unsure whether i’ll be able to talk about it in a clear and concise way. 

it’s times like these when my mind hits a roadblock. because what i find interesting may not appeal to the youth… and the end result would be just me talking to myself, haha. and for other topics, i just don’t know enough about it… so i’d be walking around aimlessly. strange, i think the more i lead youth group, the less certain i’m confident about my ability to lead. i’m not sure whether its inadequacy or uncertainty, but i really don’t want to just have an “intellectual” conversation. i want to be able to motivate the youth. for them to be passionate. for the talks to engage the heart, the soul, the mind, and for it to overflow into their lives. but what to do now?

day 106

woke up early enough to shower and get ready for my immunology presentation. although as the presentation went on, i realized that i didn’t need to present. and i guess that was better because i felt so out of it. i think i felt both tired and frustrated with how much work i didn’t finish this week… it was kinda noticeable as my philosophy professor was like, tim don’t worry, this class won’t be too bad. owned.

i was so glad to be done with classes, so i could take a nap. and then i headed back home. i did some reading on the train, and it really helped me focus on what was important for leading the youth. one quote especially stuck out, and i guess i’ll separately post that. but it helped me overcome my habit of being overly self-critical. specifically, sometimes i wonder why i am unable to affect greater change, or inspire the youth to do greater things…and why i don’t have anything “new” or “fresh” to share. and i feel like i could answer it in the same thought…and it’s because i don’t live the life i want to live in the sense that if i really lived like christ, things would be a lot different. perhaps this is too ideal, but i feel that what i “teach” at youth group would actually just be what god is teaching and revealing to me during the week and how i’m applying it or how i need to improve upon it. i feel like that’s so much more relevant and practical that it creates an example that the youth could work toward. but today, it just felt like i was talking about something they already knew…(jesus feeding the 5000), and while i tried to relate it to 30 hour famine, they seemed to know the story, and when you get to that kind of mindset, it’s hard to receive new insight. i guess that’s pride. and partly my fault because i felt like i didn’t have any new insight. doh. but, there was a newcomer, mo. and i wonder what he thought about youth group…i don’t think he was intimidated because it was pretty low key, but i think i struggle between making things comfortable as a way of showing love (but really am i?) and making jesus known. gosh, it’s such a challenge to lead. you’d think i’d have more tricks up my sleeve after doing this for… 4 years? and perhaps even more as a informal leader back at my other church. but i really hope that despite these faults, god can use these things to demonstrate His glory.

got back to bc, hung out at vandy 303, and it was so fun seeing everyone there… nick, jae squared, dave, kevin, dan, clement, dong, jinah, esther, rich, hanyin. and i got to learn how to play kemps. although i got owned. im too focused on getting my cards…haha well i’m looking forward to tomorrow. despite the possible snow forecast. but i got lots of work this weekend…

oh, and i had AMAZING food from h-mart for dinner. it tasted SO good…and that always reminds me why i love returning home. haha. SO much better than BC food. i clean up! seriously! and, my sister got back from her quebec trip. i hope she liked it…i think that’s the longest she’s been away from home (though i may be wrong…)

day 52.5

okay so here’s the lowdown of what happened yesterday. because stuff DID happen. and now that i’m fully awake from my 2 hour nap, i’ll try my best to describe it.

well, i guess it begins with going to sleep since i went to sleep at 2am after watching the hills have eyes with matt, joseph, and josh. what a great…bed story. it was pretty funny although i only watched the last half hour or so.

the next morning began with breakfast and although the schedule was earlier than a usual sunday service (it began at 930), things were more chill. i wasn’t as stressed out, and i knew it was going to be a good day. that, and i brewed some peach tea.

as we began worship, there was this desire to seek god more, and we just kept singing “spirit overflow, let me overflow” and then this transition to how he loves. the message focused upon jesus and the paralytic carried by his friends. about how we are comfortable and how we move away from it, and while simple in idea, it was difficult to admit areas of such difficulty, but possibly through community and friendships, they can be overcome as they are brought to christ. i think im paralyzed by fear. but i know that love drives out fear. i need more love.

we packed up, watched random youtube videos of goats talking:

ate lunch. and picked up the encouragement bags before heading back to church. when we returned to church, everyone was leaving…but for a good reason! we were all getting ready to go see the NEW building that we had bought! It was so exciting, and when we entered to go explore, GOSH it was definitely a maze. there were so many rooms and hallways that it took a good 30 minutes to make my way around the entire thing. and throughout it all, i just kept asking, God what are you going to do in this room? how are you going to fill it? who’s going to come? what’s going to happen here? Because i also knew that when excitement wore off, we would have to stay true to the vision, and believe that god could provide. so, with this and the retreat, my heart was encouraged. encouraged that the youth group could love without holding back. love without judgment. and love freely. and if we are able to do that, there’s no doubt god will bring people into this new church. but for now, it’ll seem so funny that a congregation of just 100ish people is in a 51,000 sq. ft building. that’s roughly a football field. of course, this is split up into two floors, but trust me, you will get tired out as you try to find your way around the place. lastly, props to mrs. garthoff, who mediated this deal for the church. she is a great woman of god.

and then at the end, we had a huge snowball fight. and i didn’t even have to do the dirty work of throwing the snowball. you see, i just made snowballs and discretely told the kids who to throw them at. and of course, you can’t hit the kids back with a snowball because then that’d make you look like an idiot. and cold hearted. haha PERFECT. but i think people then caught on. because then the kids started throwing it at me. obviously,  i need to “program” the kids better. ok im kidding. but it was a fun time.

finally i headed back to BC. and the first thing i did when i got back was to clean the suite with sean and nick. it was relaxing, and i think i was confirming the fact that i could actually clean and vacuum. it was a job well done by us 3 men. oh yes, men can and do clean. we just dont want to shame others in doing such a good job. it only happens on special occasions.

then i was off to krup meeting. had a southern style dinner: rice + sausage, collard greens, & corn bread. watched act II of the spike lee documentary, which was more disturbing based on the ineffective response posed by the us government and people in general. but, i’m sick of my own name blaming, and i’d rather listen and restore than destroy and ignore. (cool that rhymed)

i think i’m doing just 3 things for the auction, so it doesn’t look like i’m being a hog. haha. so just 2 duets (angela & justin) and a serenade. foot massage is still up for grabs, but probably not.

and then, the rest of the night to the wee hours of the morning was studying. i’m thankful for this weekend. of course, i would’ve loved if not everything crashed together in such a small period of time, but i’ll definitely remember it. all the experiences and memories have made me love life more and i feel like i need a bigger heart to love.